Mar 03 2008
Bruised ego
I just had a “kiss of death”–or at least serious ouchies–writing experience this weekend. At my love’s suggestion, I sent the latest story to a friend of his who works professionally in the field and who is respected for insightful critiques. I spent all weekend preparing myself by joking about waiting for the person to write back and tell me how bad it sucked. When the email finally came, I learned there was something worse:
I received the critical equivalent of a shrug. Pat on the shoulder, nice attempt at a story dear.
I would much rather the person had hated it. It reads like they missed most of the layers and depth I worked to include, though they did compliment my “style” and the couple of cool ideas I thought up. I already knew that this person was busy in the middle of working on a story themselves, but if one is not in the headspace to give full attention to the piece I would much rather have a courteous decline in the privilege of reading. However, they also made a couple of good points to look out for in editing the story, so it wasn’t all blah.
Worst of all, I didn’t think this would strike a vulnerability for me but it has: I’m now seriously doubting myself and my perceptions. This felt like writing a top-quality story, it reads to me like a really good story, the initial feedback I received (albeit from people who know me and care about me) was every bit as positive as I could wish for. I’ve tried to convince myself it’s like my previous story, “Memory Box”, simply a mismatch of writer and editor worldviews (which deserves its own post later), but it’s more difficult this time. If nearly all the nifty about the story could be so thoroughly unseen by a professional who has no particular reason to be inclined toward me, then how could I possibly have done as good a job as I thought–and felt–I did with this story?
On the other hand, Mary missed fundamentally important parts of “Memory Box” and I turned around and sold it as-was, so I suppose that’s worth remembering too. Every story you have to assume there will be some percentage of readers that just “miss the point”, along with the ones who totally get what you’re doing, and several somewhere in-between. I hope I can get my belief in my story back; I know I want to be right about its quality, but I also know that there are at least some subtle tweakings it probably needs that I can feel are there but can’t see clearly. Is it so much a stretch to believe that it needs complete gutting instead, when someone you respect misses all the coolest things you thought you wrote?
So to bring it back to the worlds outside my head again, fellow creative friends, which is worse for you? Someone who hates your work, or someone indifferent to it? Or doesn’t “get it”? Or another horror I haven’t named here? What are some coping skills you’ve developed to grow a thicker skin around these areas? I know one part of my brain takes the “oh yeah? I’ll show you, I’ll send it off and it will not only sell, it will get awards! book deals! fans galore!” approach, but while speaking thus hyperbolically can boost you up, it doesn’t always do much for calming the quiet, inner questioning of one’s own senses. Obviously “do it anyway” is a viable response to the sensory questioning, but also doesn’t do much for that inner twisty sick-stomach feeling.
This was a great opportunity to experience a lot of new things that as a writer seem likely to come up more than once. I don’t feel enmity toward any of the people involved, even if I felt disappointed in the response I received. Though I thought I was already comfortable with the idea that not all of my work will please everyone, I learned that it’s a bit different when it’s a story that has the feel to me of having a more universal appeal that then falls flat on a reader’s ear.
One person’s opinion matters, but not too much. It’s definitely a bit of a balancing act, finding that line within and without. Hopefully after I sleep I’ll have more words for the editors and writers post, since this line (whole post, really) leads into it nicely. I look forward to your shared thoughts!
Actually I think a little of everything is probably normal and warranted. One person’s opinion (even if they ARE a successful author) will not be a make or break thing if you really want to keep writing. Your voice is your unique voice and not everyone will “get” it all the time.
It’s also frustrating to feel like someone didn’t get what you wrote; it’s probably a combination of them not paying attention and stuff you need to work on. If you really feel that you’ve done all you can or want to do with it, then there it is: your offering for someone to take or leave.
The fact that you’ve even posted this, are processing this, makes me feel (as a struggling writer) that all my doubts are normal and ok and I should just get on with it because if someone didn’t like your story that I found quite charming and moving, then opinion is — well — arbitrary, and the only thing to do is send stuff out anyway for those who do feel it connects for them.
Oh, and don’t forget to send your story out to different people, including normal folks and librarians (who spend a lot of time SPENDING money on books, heh).
Stories from the very best authors (at least before they have Reputation) are rejected by dozens of editors before they’re picked up. It just seems to be the nature of things, I don’t think you should be concerned about that - though if you think they didn’t put enough effort into reading your story, I would not send your work to them in the future.
In response to Kiki’s comment - I’m an academic librarian, and I personally don’t buy fiction, but I’d be happy to read it, and I’d also be happy to hook you up with some public librarians who DO buy fiction. Let me know if I can help!
Whether a shrug is worse than hatred depends, for me, on which book it is. I know I once got hate mail on Brokedown Palace, which delighted me as proof the guy got it; and I know that, in general, I’ve hated the shrug reaction I sometimes get for Agyar. But there are other things where I’d guess the opposite is true. I guess in my head each work as a “point” in a vague sense that I don’t define to myself, and certain reactions directly push the, “I failed in what I was trying to do” button. Different reactions for different “points.”
That may all be too vague to be useful.
Ow. That’s never any fun.
I’m much like Steve in this regard, that which reaction to a story really hurts depends on the story and what I was trying to do with it. Some aspects of any given book are pretty much unassailable to me — I might try to bring them more to the surface if a lot of readers don’t seem to get them, but it doesn’t hurt if they don’t because I just know that those aspects are in some way right. I’m very nervous and paranoid about other aspects, and any slightest criticism of those tends to send me into a panic and then a complete slump. Certain ways of expressing reservation, dislike, or dissent also make me completely dismiss the speaker, while others make me pay very close attention.
As for this story, you can either put it away until those nagging bits that you think want changing make themselves clearer, or send it out and see if it strikes somebody’s fancy even in what seems like an imperfect state. There’s no guarantee, regardless of what you do, that in six months or ten years, somebody won’t point out a terrible flaw in the story. But since other people will point out beauties you never saw, with luck it evens out.
The only even slightly comforting thing I’ve found for all these vagaries is to have several things to work on, so that it’s not so crushing if one story doesn’t find the reactions I want.
P.
Indifference, period, tends to tweak me out. Especially if I’ve invested a lot of time and energy into what the person is indifferent to.
The only thing I feel like I can add is, “Dirreaha (sp?!) Principle”. Which is a short way to say, “It may not be me, the person blowing me off may have to go the bathroom REALLY BADLY.” (Or whatever it is distracting them.)
I’m impressed with your ability to put yourself out there, with your writing. That’s amazingly brave.
Kiki - Yeah the point of posting it wasn’t for poorbabies, since I have a lovely support network that can provide both kudos and a shoulder as needed, but in hopes that as a writer who is interested in the process, my experiences would help other writers dealing with similar issues. I’m glad to hear that worked for you!
Finding quality First Readers is probably another blog entry idea, now that I think about it…
Sken - So far I’m pretty pleased with myself that I’m not having problems with actual rejections and taking those personally; I seem to be succeeding in most of my attempts to build a self-healthy writer foundation. You raise a good point for people to consider, in that someone who seems to fundamentally miss what one considers to be major important story pieces is probably not the best choice for a line editor for one’s work. However, depending on the specifics of the situation, that person might still have useful advice or contributions at certain points in the process (such as copyediting or final reading). Knowing whether that will work depends largely on knowing the thickness of one’s tender writer skin, which these sorts of experiences help toughen. *grin*
Rikhei - I’d love to try having you as a reader! I think I might save you until next time, though. I’ve just spent yesterday and today tearing out the garden and rebuilding it, metaphorically (I made it through another draft). I’ve now solidly entered the “hate the story” phase, which for me seems to be around the time I need to give it a final lookover for stupid mistakes and then send it out. It’s now much better than when I wrote about it here two days ago, so that’s something positive at least.
skzb - I found your comment quite useful and hope my other readers do as well. Thank you!