Yes, It Is All My Fault!

They’ve announced the cover art for the anthology published by Dark Scribe Press in which my short story “Memory Box” will be published, Unspeakable Horror: From the Shadows of the Closet, if you care to wander over and take a look.

…of quoting Elizabeth Bear when she says something smart:

This is where the professionalism comes in, and I keep telling myself that. That craftsmanship and hard work carry you over the places where inspiration fails.

This and other awesome writerly advice can be found over at Storytellers Unplugged.

It’s good to remember that that’s part of what we’re doing as writers when starting out, not only filling the toolbox but building the home for inspiration to inhabit when it visits. When the guest has gone away, the home persists, and can even flourish; at the very least one needs to maintain it in good form until your guest returns again.

Or, get your butt in that chair and write. Practice daily. It takes an average of over two years for a first novel to get sold, so what are you waiting for? The you of two+ years from now will thank you. And the Muse will come.

A week later, and my previously mentioned reviewer did call it on the drafts, as the story has gone through two more drafts since I first sent it out to readers. Every sentence examined, more often than not torn apart and reworded, sometimes more than once. I am so thoroughly sick of staring at this story, it’s moved into the “hate it” phase.

From what I’ve observed, the “I hate this story” phase comes at different times for different writers, though it seems to come up at least at some point for most of the writers I’ve met. For me, it usually means it’s time to quit fiddling with it and send it out, and so I shall.

Thanks this time go to Will Shetterly and Voluptuary members Kiki Christie, Nolan Darilek, Jennifer Evans, and C.C. Major for reading and great feedback, and super-huge thanks to my sweeties Steve and Kit for helping with the tear-down-build-again phase of the line editing. This was hard work but a lot of fun (well, except for the hating the story bit, but that’ll pass).

Now to either work more on the novel, or come up with a shiny new short story. Preferably both.

I just had a “kiss of death”–or at least serious ouchies–writing experience this weekend. At my love’s suggestion, I sent the latest story to a friend of his who works professionally in the field and who is respected for insightful critiques. I spent all weekend preparing myself by joking about waiting for the person to write back and tell me how bad it sucked. When the email finally came, I learned there was something worse:

I received the critical equivalent of a shrug. Pat on the shoulder, nice attempt at a story dear.

I would much rather the person had hated it. It reads like they missed most of the layers and depth I worked to include, though they did compliment my “style” and the couple of cool ideas I thought up. I already knew that this person was busy in the middle of working on a story themselves, but if one is not in the headspace to give full attention to the piece I would much rather have a courteous decline in the privilege of reading. However, they also made a couple of good points to look out for in editing the story, so it wasn’t all blah.

Worst of all, I didn’t think this would strike a vulnerability for me but it has: I’m now seriously doubting myself and my perceptions. This felt like writing a top-quality story, it reads to me like a really good story, the initial feedback I received (albeit from people who know me and care about me) was every bit as positive as I could wish for. I’ve tried to convince myself it’s like my previous story, “Memory Box”, simply a mismatch of writer and editor worldviews (which deserves its own post later), but it’s more difficult this time. If nearly all the nifty about the story could be so thoroughly unseen by a professional who has no particular reason to be inclined toward me, then how could I possibly have done as good a job as I thought–and felt–I did with this story?

On the other hand, Mary missed fundamentally important parts of “Memory Box” and I turned around and sold it as-was, so I suppose that’s worth remembering too. Every story you have to assume there will be some percentage of readers that just “miss the point”, along with the ones who totally get what you’re doing, and several somewhere in-between. I hope I can get my belief in my story back; I know I want to be right about its quality, but I also know that there are at least some subtle tweakings it probably needs that I can feel are there but can’t see clearly. Is it so much a stretch to believe that it needs complete gutting instead, when someone you respect misses all the coolest things you thought you wrote?

So to bring it back to the worlds outside my head again, fellow creative friends, which is worse for you? Someone who hates your work, or someone indifferent to it? Or doesn’t “get it”? Or another horror I haven’t named here? What are some coping skills you’ve developed to grow a thicker skin around these areas? I know one part of my brain takes the “oh yeah? I’ll show you, I’ll send it off and it will not only sell, it will get awards! book deals! fans galore!” approach, but while speaking thus hyperbolically can boost you up, it doesn’t always do much for calming the quiet, inner questioning of one’s own senses. Obviously “do it anyway” is a viable response to the sensory questioning, but also doesn’t do much for that inner twisty sick-stomach feeling.

This was a great opportunity to experience a lot of new things that as a writer seem likely to come up more than once. I don’t feel enmity toward any of the people involved, even if I felt disappointed in the response I received. Though I thought I was already comfortable with the idea that not all of my work will please everyone, I learned that it’s a bit different when it’s a story that has the feel to me of having a more universal appeal that then falls flat on a reader’s ear.

One person’s opinion matters, but not too much. It’s definitely a bit of a balancing act, finding that line within and without. Hopefully after I sleep I’ll have more words for the editors and writers post, since this line (whole post, really) leads into it nicely. I look forward to your shared thoughts!