Archive for April 4th, 2010

Apr 04 2010

Cancer Chronicles: emotional rollercoasters

Today is one of those days where I hurt regardless of pain meds, slept most of the day, ate through most of the waking parts, and have no particular reason other than the obvious to be in a cranky mood, but am anyway. Nathan seems to react to my snippiness either with his own snippy returns or with hesitancy and distance, both of which are triggers for further grumpiness for me (which I’m managing to mostly correct for, but I still feel grumpy about feeling grumpy even if I’m not lashing out). I want to be grumpy but not have it affect anything around me, even though I recognize rationally that’s a fairly unreasonable wish.

I got up and stretched my arms (and hips and shoulders) this evening, even though I’m hurting, because it feels good to stretch. I admit I was disappointed that the people in the room didn’t comment much on what was, for the stage of healing, a fairly impressive bit of movement. I know I’ve been healing quite rapidly so far, but the verbal acknowledgements and cheering have definitely been helping that process along, and to have my efforts fade into the everyday background for others around me so soon afterward feels discouraging. I’m still my own cheering squad, of course, but it’s been interesting and tangible throughout the process how much the focus and energy of other caring people has made both small and large differences along the way.

Just tracking the process, it’s all interesting even if some isn’t fun.

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