Apr 04 2010

Cancer Chronicles: emotional rollercoasters

Published by Reesa at 11:08 pm under me vs. cancer = I win, ruminants ruminating

Today is one of those days where I hurt regardless of pain meds, slept most of the day, ate through most of the waking parts, and have no particular reason other than the obvious to be in a cranky mood, but am anyway. Nathan seems to react to my snippiness either with his own snippy returns or with hesitancy and distance, both of which are triggers for further grumpiness for me (which I’m managing to mostly correct for, but I still feel grumpy about feeling grumpy even if I’m not lashing out). I want to be grumpy but not have it affect anything around me, even though I recognize rationally that’s a fairly unreasonable wish.

I got up and stretched my arms (and hips and shoulders) this evening, even though I’m hurting, because it feels good to stretch. I admit I was disappointed that the people in the room didn’t comment much on what was, for the stage of healing, a fairly impressive bit of movement. I know I’ve been healing quite rapidly so far, but the verbal acknowledgements and cheering have definitely been helping that process along, and to have my efforts fade into the everyday background for others around me so soon afterward feels discouraging. I’m still my own cheering squad, of course, but it’s been interesting and tangible throughout the process how much the focus and energy of other caring people has made both small and large differences along the way.

Just tracking the process, it’s all interesting even if some isn’t fun.

5 Responses to “Cancer Chronicles: emotional rollercoasters”

  1. Andreaon 04 Apr 2010 at 11:55 pm

    Wups looks like porting to LJ has broken or hiccuped at the very least. Cranky is part of the healing process I think. Of course so is feeling cranky about being cranky. Just cause we have to be difficult humans. Heh. Love you muchly!

  2. Bradon 05 Apr 2010 at 1:58 am

    I’ll take grumpy and active over lethargy and listlessness any day. So, keep up the healing and grump all ya like. I know you’re stubborn enough to push through all this, so it’s all good.

  3. Derekon 05 Apr 2010 at 11:25 am

    Well, may I say Reesa, that you getting up and actually being able to stretch is absolutely phenomenal! I mean how long has it been? A week and a half or so? Fantastic!!

    It is obvious you are your own physical therapist! But I would expect no less from my wonderfully strong-willed sister!

    Keep it up!! Love you and see you soon! =)

  4. Reesaon 05 Apr 2010 at 12:32 pm

    @Brad - Orneriness does help, hehe. I am very much enjoying both my speedy recovery so far and my responsible handling of same. Nice to know that really dramatic life lessons can stick for changing self-exhausting behaviors!

    @Derek - I’m pretty damn sure I’m just as stern with myself as any occupational therapist would be, but also taking it easy as well since it’s be dumb to push too hard and screw up such a good thing!

  5. Maryon 06 Apr 2010 at 5:03 pm

    Daughter–Woman,

    Like I’ve told you, I think you should yell, be a big ol’ grump, curse, scream, have any actions, reactions, feelings you want. If someone who loves you doesn’t like it they will get over it. You can apologize if necessary or you can remind others as I do that “it’s just the pain talking” (all types of pain). You are entitled to whatever you feel. I wonder what it would be like for those around you if you weren’t such a strong, determined person????? I wonder what it would be like for them if you were like some I’ve known and were hysterical much of the time, blamed everything and everyone for what has occurred, and did not cooperate with anything to help themselves; or ordered people around constantly; and worse????? Remember that the two who live with you are men and this says a lot. Also, others who have not gone through what you have really have no idea how you feel as to pain and difficult physical accomplishments. Others can see you move and/or stretch and not have any idea what it costs you. Tell them!!!!! Tell them often!!!!! Telling them is a gift to them so that they can understand that they should be very, very thankful that they have not been through anything similar as to the pain, and more, that you have been through and are continuing to go through. They should be thankful for this every moment of every day!!!!!!! Love now and forever to you.