@Ella — I actually have thought about going back to school for psych stuff, so thanks for the encouragement!

I have nothing very constructive to add, because I essentially agree with what you said; however, I wonder, did you ever study/take a course in/have an interest in social work or psychology? My sister has finished getting a degree in it this year, so we got a lot of it around the house and it’s somewhat shaped the ways we interact with each other.

Speaking as someone who’s heard about “models of dealing” and “containing emotions” so much she can drown in it, it’s amazing to me that you not only follow the process of “dealing” exactly like a professional social worker/psych major would, but also know how to explain and illuminate your actions with pinpoint clarity and complete understanding.

TL;DR: Reesa, I think you’re a closet professional social worker. :O

Years ago when I found out that the chronic illnesses I had were going to stay that way, never be cured, and worsen I was forced to change many things because I could no longer physcially live a ‘normal’ life. In balancing pain that nothing can completely take away and excessive fatigue that never is much improved I had an easier situation in a way as I had no choice but to give up many things; so there was no dicotomy about what to continue to do or not to do; I just stopped many activities. Just stopped. I’ve never gone back to them. I don’t do house-cleaning, I don’t do the cooking, and I run very few errands. Happily, therefore, I no longer have to do chores for the most part. I am able to fold laundry some and don’t mind doing it. Many fun things went away too, but I have been able to replace them with others. When it became apparent that I could no longer run around and do anything I wanted like most folks, people began to disappear, by their choice, from my life. So, I didn’t have to make decisions on limiting my interactions, which were too exhausting, with lots of people. Having physical and emotional decisions removed from me was something that while painful at the time were easier in the long run as I didn’t have to cross activities and people off my list after much deliberation. Had I been forced to make such choices on a line by line basis on activities and a person by person basis on who should and who shouldn’t remain in my life I believe that such would have caused much distress. Also, I could have been the source of pain for others who would have no longer been invited to stay in my life. So, having some decisions made for us can be a good thing. Years before I began to be more and more ill I had been a painter, writer, and musician previous to having a business career. The business career had to be given up and as a result I didn’t know what I would do with the rest of my life. I couldn’t run at all, I couldn’t stand for long, I couldn’t walk much — but I was great at lying down and at sitting. Being great at sitting is a real plus! Sitting is a prerequisite for some absorbing activities: playing the piano, painting on canvas for any length of time, and using a laptop for writing. I went back to doing all of these things. I rediscovered old talents. Without becoming disabled I very likely would have never gone back to enjoying these things.

Change can create pleasant surprises. I wish you many of them.

To question “how invested am I in being angry/upset/resentful or whatever about an interaction”, in my mind does not at all equal attempting to “wish or think away my anger”. While I agree with you that it certainly *feels* more pleasant to be content or happy than upset, I’m not sure I even agree that it’s inherently “nicer” — I’m not sure I put value judgment on the “negative” emotions the same way many other people might. And I’m almost positive I disagree with the statement that it’s a lot nicer to be happy than upset — again, that’s putting an emotional value that I’m not sure I believe in on both emotional states. Quite often we don’t get control over that initial limbic system response to a stimulus, and anger (and other emotions from that end of the spectrum) can serve very useful or educational purposes indeed at times. I *prefer* to maintain emotional equilibrium in the realms of contentment and happiness when possible, because I’ve discovered it feels tangibly better for my body’s health to do so (and likely my relationships’ health as well). Seeking those desired emotions out and cultivating them with intent I’ve found makes them show up quite a bit more often. *grin*

So when you say that sometimes we “need to feel hurt or upset”, not only do I not disagree, in my mind you’re simply stating in a different way what I said with my original sentence. When I question my investment in anger, hurt, or resentment, what I’m largely examining is my attachment to those emotional states persisting once they show up, and how I choose to act when they do arrive. That last bit is probably a key to unraveling this particular misunderstanding — in my mind, one doesn’t get more than sporadic or periodic control over the initial emotional feeling/response. However, one CAN practice controlling how one acts or reacts to that initial flush of upset, and improve that control skill over time. If I am invested in holding on to my anger, I am much more likely to react as if my angry perceptions are objective rather than subjective truth. And I have very much noticed that being angry, hurt, or resentful DOES drain physical energy, and while those emotional states persist it’s also a lot harder to call up contentment or happiness.

So from where I stand, it never even comes close to the realm of oppressing my emotions. In fact, it’s rather important I know as much as possible about the emotional cocktail of a particular moment, so I don’t get surprised by a particular reaction becoming overwhelming because I didn’t give it the attention or understanding it deserves. Often the fastest way for me to genuinely get past an angry, sad, or hurt response is to just sit with it and feel it as intensely as possible within myself for a few moments, examine the hurt from all the rational and irrational angles I can find, breathe deeply while I’m doing so, and after a few minutes (occasionally longer) I find that as long as I don’t attempt to engage discussion while in that first flush of sitting with the feeling, I can get calm enough to rationally control and discuss my initial emotion in a way that both acknowledges and releases it, making space for other emotions — and other peoples’ perspectives — again. And my personal answer to your question of how to find the dynamic equilibrium involved in being a calmer and more internally peaceful person very much involves learning how to work with the fact that I can’t control my initial emotional surge but I can very much learn to control what I do next from that. Frankly, all the dials are turned up to 11 on my emotions, hehe. It took 32 years to get a pretty decent understanding of how to sometimes not fly off the handle in the emotions of the moment. Cancer was like another 32 years of practice on that all at once.

This might have gone too far the other direction into too wordy, so let me know if I obscured meaning again and I’ll keep trying. Or, if this does make sense, let’s continue the discussion, share your thoughts!

What struck me as curious about this (lovely, enlightening) post was the phrase:

>> “how invested am I in being angry/upset/resentful or whatever about an interaction, when that takes both time and energy away from the option of doing other things and feeling content or happy?”

That’s a very nice thought in theory - “wishing” or “thinking” away your anger, on the grounds that it’s a lot nicer to be happy than upset - but does it hold water in your daily interactions? It’d be nice if we could all be happy and content all the time, but de facto, sometimes we *need* to feel hurt or upset. At least, that’s how it is from my experience. So how to you toe that line of being a calmer/more happy person, without crossing over into simply oppressing your emotions?

Regardless, I think it’s a great and wonderful thing, that you strive to live such a positive and fulfilling life. Yeshar koach.