Comments on: Cancer Chronicles — answers re: sexuality

By: Reesa

Reesa — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 16:15:07 +0000

@Cheryl and Mary — Thanks for participating in comments on this post! I find many people are pretty uncomfortable about sexuality issues and cancer (or chronic health, or the elderly, or the disabled, etc) so it was nice to see people commenting!

By: Cheryl McLay

Cheryl McLay — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 20:43:12 +0000

Mary- I work with children all day (I’m a pediatrician) and I am always amazed at how easily they accept me on one or two legs. Yes, they will ask, but they will also accept the answer that this is the way I am and it’s okay. I’m not exactly sure at what age kids learn to not accept (disability/difference, color difference, idea difference), but it’s a harsh lesson for them. Before that age, they are frequently even unaware that a difference exists. My own niece was 4 years old, having known me her entire life, when she suddenly noticed that I only had one leg!! She asked all the questions and we talked about it and that was that, but I was surprised that it had not occurred to her earlier.

And, yes, there is joy and wonder everywhere, when one is looking for it!

By: Mary

Mary — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 18:18:18 +0000

To Cheryl: You sound like a very wise and courageous woman. Bravo! People stare and comment when I’m hobbling on my cane (less and less able to do so now days) and also when I’m piloting my power wheelchair. When I am interacting with a clerk in a store, and my husband is with me, and the clerk directs answers to my questions to my husband (”does she want?…………does she need?………..is she interested in?……………etc.) instead of to me — as if something is wrong with my mind because I’m in a wheelchair — I speak right up and correct them in their assumptions thereby insisting that they treat me properly. One thing that you mentioned has been a delight for me. I love children! They are so curious about my cane and my wheelchair. They stare, they point, they watch my movements, they often follow me especially when I’m in the chair and they come right out with their questions (usually starting with “what happened to you?”). Sometimes when there are a group of them, and I am moving slowly or stopped, they will encircle me and when they do, it feels like a party. There are good parts to everything in life.

By: Mary

Mary — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 18:07:28 +0000

Reesa, any literature that establishes the expectation or denotes heavy possibility of anyone post-mastectomy feeling sexless and hating themselves because of the major body change should be burned or otherwise destroyed. Because of the ridiculous obsession in our culture of beauty or primary beauty being in the body, we who very much know otherwise should stand up and shout from the rooftops that beauty is in the mind and personality of each human being. We should protect anyone who might stand a chance of thinking otherwise, especially those who are going to go through or have gone through a body-altering experience. We should teach what we know in this all-important aspect of understanding that sexuality is in the mind, not in the body. Anyone whose partner would not automatically caress a changed or missing area of one’s body should not be allowed to be our partner. Anyone who does not view those of us who have changed by surgery and disease (both for me) as being the same beautiful, sexual beings that we’ve always been does not deserve to share our life space. Life is about love, caring, and respect above all else.

By: Cheryl McLay

Cheryl McLay — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 01:25:58 +0000

Interesting thoughts. Most of my body-altering surgery was when I was a kid or teen, but I have noticed some of the same things you have mentioned. Not having two legs makes me noticeable in some ways. It means some people won’t look me in the eyes. I have even noticed a difference between the way people will interact with me when I walk with an artificial leg, with crutches, or sitting in a wheelchair. I enjoy, to some degree, pushing their comfort zone a bit. If I’m walking on crutches, and I feel sexy and beautiful, I will walk more seductively, wear clothing that brings attention to something besides my lack of leg, and generally not care if anyone else cares. If I am in a wheelchair, most likely in an airport or some other depersonalizing place, I make an effort to talk with people or make eye contact (the fun part is you can interact with kids at a different level!!) .

When I was young, I hid my leg, even to the point of trying to be invisible while moving from the beach towel to the public pool. Now, I don’t worry nearly as much about what “they” think. I don’t necessarily wish to purposefully make people uncomfortable by showing off my scars, but I don’t hide them as much either. For the most part, as I have gotten older, I wear what I want- more color, more sexy- and as you said, those whose opinions about which I care will see who I am, instead of how many legs I have.

I was interested to see your comments about your husband touching your “ur-boob”. I have had very few lovers who felt comfortable about touching my “stump”, but my current significant other has never touched me any differently there than any other part of my body (I have given him my body and he accepts all of it). I was surprised once when I was having a professional massage, and another time when having acupuncture, to find individuals who treated my “little leg” in the same way as they did my “normal” leg. At the time, after the treatment, I even asked the acupuncturist why and she said the chi was the same, whether the entire flesh was there or not! Cool!!

So, there will always be people who see the absence of my leg, or your breast, or whatever else that people perceive as something missing or lacking in us. And then, there will be the people who love all of who we are, just as we are, and will count our scars as part of the process not as a flaw. And we will love them, with their scars, as well.