Archive for June 11th, 2011

Jun 11 2011

Cancer destroys so much…

But it doesn’t have to take everything. It will, if you let it.

In a crisis,the person whose needs come first are those of the one(s) in crisis. When the crisis is multilayered on multiple fronts,it becomes difficult to discern the layers of who gets which energy and at what given points in time. Obviously, continued physical survival trumps the rest — sadly, unfairly, and necessarily. You can’t “make up” spent crisis energy any more than you can “catch up” on missed sleep.  You can prioritize where you direct future energy, but not if you physically lose a major participant to prioritization errors.  This is where trust issues can start to rear their ugly heads; normally a relationship has fairly equitable spread of needs and priorities.  In a desired relationship between equals, one side doesn’t always get to make decisions or call shots, and learning how to balance that can disrupt many a relationship that never learned good fair sharing skills.  However, just like in a hospital, once crisis needs enter the picture they have to be triaged and they won’t always match up or be fair.  That’s when the participants have, have to trust that (assuming that vital physical survival succeeds) everyone will work toward repairing the imbalances, even while knowing that work will take time, and even more energy, and sometimes STILL look unfair while it’s going through the process.

Not to mention that most of us, growing up, we aren’t easily taught how to do other than get mine and get out quick, nor does the modern world much encourage learning differently. Things like how to deal with burnout issues; how to nurture the spread of (garden metaphor for Robert here) future mutually beneficial relationship seeds so they are able to spread while the unbalanced crisis danger time prevails, so that later on there’s actually a garden of good energy to draw from to kill the crisis weeds, even if (thanks to clay-filled Texas soil) your baby garden doesn’t look anything at first like you later want it to manifest.

And there’s only so much energy to go around. People just plain. run. out.  Especially the longer you have energy drain (or years of drought, to keep digging that garden metaphor.)

This year most of us locals started 2011 with the simplest request of an easier year than 2010…and most of us so far haven’t gotten even that wish.  Good things, bad things, in-between things…all of it with less reserves than we had and therefore less protection when stuff begins to blow up.  And then…

I got cancer again.

I have the best group of family, friends, and loved ones I know of.  Even with less for all to go around, most of you have risen beautifully to give to me once again support and love and time and energy to help me fight this incredibly scary fight.  I believe that my loved ones who surrounded me with such support and strength and compassion and energy last year are still here; still giving even when dragging along on their last drips some days as if from a leaky old coffee machine, only getting by with a big fat “fuck you” aimed at Murphy’s eye.

The only way for all of us to survive, spirits and minds and yes, bodies, is to remember that we are none of us islands for long, and working together exponentiates our strengths rather than halves it.  As adults one always has the choice to walk away, even from something that can ultimately be a good and healing outcome.   Remember? Sometimes that energy just. runs. out.

And when what we get isn’t what we envisioned, or at least doesn’t start out that way, it’s so much easier to see it as a failure than as the start of a little garden.  But I believe mistakes are not failures nor breaches of trust in relationships, and I think most of my loved ones feel the same, even though they might fear otherwise, sometimes.  I believe that circles of family and friends and loved ones are still holding out our strong shoulders to grasp and ears to listen and arms to assist.

Regardless of who physically survives these latest crises (and I sure plan to, and am fighting to like a fiend daily), these beautiful people around me have the foundations for some of the most amazingly glorious HUMAN achievements…all of us.  Sure, some of our greatness will shine alone, but so much more will we have as we hold together.

It might not look how we want it to at first, our little garden of family and friends but since we’re living, breathing and ongoing, we can’t possibly have failed yet — nor do I think we will, certainly not as long as I’m taking another breath to mold my desires for my life and my family from the world around me.

And I know, in my heart, that sticking around will bring the greater rewards.

So that is why I stay, fighting and breathing and healing, and learn and relearn how to have healthy, non-enabling interdependent boundaries of energy expense rather than fall into codependency, because we are all of us better than that.  I see it around me daily, and it helps me want to keep going.

So as most of you know, today is my birthday.  On this day I’m excited to have any of you up here to stop by the room (you might also find me down in the courtyard enjoying some fresh air) (caveat: though I love you, if you’re sick send your well-wishes from afar) and come reciprocate this goodness of being alive and loving all of you for many years to come.

I win, every day.  I win a family with amazing adults, wonderful children who will grow up to surpass even our awesomeness.  I win through fear into loving all of you more each day, and believe in my heart that you’re walking this wonderful path with me willingly.  With all of that, how can we truly fail?

On this day, I am blessed by each and every one of you who have chosen to be here, remain here, LIVE here through this fight.

Any of you who can come out, show love, eat tasty cupcakes, or otherwise show our love for each other today, Come! share your love! St Davids, either the courtyard or room IMC#17 you can find me.  Rub my head for health!  Reaffirm our vows to love andsupport and LIVE for each other. My new friends, my old friends,  my beloved interconnected families,my best son and daughter ever…and my worthy,spouse.

Fuck cancer!

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