Nov 11 2011
there was a death on the floor today. (Oh, and I’m stuck here over the weekend so they can monitor the pattern of intermittent fevers and whether the hip pain gets less and they confirmed they definitely can’t get blood out of my portcath to test it so they’ll be assuming that the fevers are related to either the blood clots or the hip pain and might xray that if it stays the same or gets worse. Please, please no hip fracture on top of everything else.) But the death on the floor today had an interesting effect; my problems still seem huge, overwhelming, unfair, with no clue how I’m going to find the energy to get through and heal, and bitterness of missing things like my daughter’s first crawl, and all the things I’ve been complaining about.
But I don’t want people to be hurting over my absence the way I heard the people crying on the floor today. I don’t know who or how many would feel that level of grief, but I would guess there would be at least a handful, if not more. So in the end it doesn’t really matter how unfair or overwhelming or draining my own situation is. I have to keep fighting for my life until I truly run out of fight (and I’ve been close enough to that twice to know a bit about what it feels like, and we’re not there yet no matter how despairing all this feels).
This situation seems a bit more scary because of the “I don’t know” factor; there’s too many things the docs don’t know about why the fevers came back or what they’re connected to. I’ve been mostly just zoning in and out of consciousness the past two days; no more stories sent out, no more research done. Crazy dreams, full of weird symbolism and old friends and parts of them feel healing even with all of that oddness. I’ve lost my appetite, so am trying to drink plenty of water and eat graham crackers so i’m still getting SOME calories. I’ll find the energy somewhere to keep fighting even with the Idon’tknow’s because fundamentally there’s nothing else do to but to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’ll be around for a long while to come partially because you all believe in me. I thank you for it and ask you to keep doing it.
PS - no one’s given feedback on which wordpress theme they like better from the previous post (except Mom in email), so readers if you’re out there speak up!
PPS — just got preached to, but she meant well.