Phoenix Living

(Note: I know many of you are anxiously awaiting more tales about the recent cancer experience, and they will be coming — and soon! — but at the rate that works for me and my processing of what was, among other things, an extremely traumatic event. Anyone needing more up-to-date health info and who is on Facebook can join my Fan Page there, which posts 2-4 times a week on health status and current known recovery info. I appreciate the concern!)

(Also note: SpinAThon raised over $2500 and sponsored 42.8 hours of spinning and knitting! Thanks so much to everyone who participated and donated, that will help a lot towards current medical costs. Stay tuned next week when we’ll have a silent auction and put up for bid the results of the SpinAThon efforts, along with many other lovely unique arts and crafts.)

I just planned out the next year and a half of work.

Talk about milestones on the “feeling like a Real Writer” path! Tomorrow/later today/after I’ve slept more, I’ll be officially “back on the job”. (Thankfully for my recovery I have a sit-down job where I can take nap breaks as needed, since tomorrow also starts Yoga-as-rehab sessions.) I have a much clearer idea of what rate I need to be writing at on certain projects in order to have them completed by my goal dates. The rest of 2010 is still going to be a bit off, but it looks like I might actually get some decent work in, as well as finish a long-overdue project.

No worries, regular blogging will continue on a weekly basis if not more frequently, and Callie posts will continue (probably at a rate of 2-3 a month) until…well, until there aren’t any more posts on that arc to write! I’ll also probably write about this new writing routine and how well it works out, and where adjustments need made, and all the other blathery things I think are interesting about life and work. Glad every day that I’m still here to fill the screen with words, words, words.

(I’m a terrible tease, since this isn’t the section I’ve been working on, but it’s better than nothing at all…right?)

***

“Inari, please wake up. I’ve talked to my dads all day but they still won’t move. Ember neither. I’ve tried and tried, but no one will wake up and I don’t know what to do!”

*

“Inari, please wake up! I’m so scared.”

*

“Inari, please wake up. I saw people outside and tried to get them to help but I don’t know if they will and then I woke up after sleeping and there was this key under my pillow and I don’t know how it got there or where it goes.”

*

“Inari, please! Namah needs you, she might be in trouble.”

When Iris awakened from crying herself to sleep, with a hand finally on her shoulder and shaking her, she burst into tears. At least twenty minutes passed before Inari could go about the business of waking the others — or at least Namah — while Iris ran to get the key from where she had hidden it.

***

She fumed as she was thrown out of the story abruptly.  These interruptions were beginning to be intolerable.  She had planned to be reading for the afternoon, and now had several empty hours to fill again.  Usually the lack of windows in her rooms didn’t bother her; she was as uninterested in looking out of them as she was in anyone having an easy line of sight into her home.  At this moment, she’d likely be smashing the glass.  With a last frustrated glare at the firmly-closed book cover, she rose from the couch and left her sitting room to check the door in the main room.

Locked, as it usually was, and no key readily available.  The viewing window set into the door at eye-level was no help either.  There was no one out there to see regardless of which angle she peered from.  She dropped back the dark blue curtain covering the door’s window and spent a few moments absently stroking the edge of the velvety fabric as she thought.  When no brilliant epiphanies ignited her mind for the wishing of them, she decided to work off some of her irritation with exercise.  A session with the free weights should tire her out enough that a shower and nap might follow nicely after.

Her exercise area was at the opposite end of the large main room from the door, angled in such a way that someone working out could easily view the media screen on the left wall.  She didn’t load anything to watch.  The exercise mat was clean; she always wiped it down carefully after each session.  Her weights were on a rack against the wall, and her innate design preferences were evident here.  The weights themselves were neatly aligned in the rack and evenly spaced with each other, but there appeared to be neither increasing nor decreasing organization along the shelves in terms of relative weight.  She selected a pair of twenty-pound hand weights from where they lay next to a two-pound barbell plate and set them down at right angles to one corner of the mat.  She stripped down to her bra and the thin linen pants she was wearing, draping the rest of her clothes on a rod she’d attached to the back wall for just that purpose.

Maybe after her nap she’d be able to read again.  The image of her door standing open, her rooms empty, kept appearing in her mind as she worked up a thin sweat.  She tried to manipulate the image to view it from different angles, but it remained stubbornly static.  Empty rooms; an open door.

If she couldn’t read, she’d find where the key was.  Perhaps it was time to venture outside again after all.

Steve and I were talking yesterday about his irritation at the “writer as protagonist” that often shows up in fiction. One of the most famous examples of this (and arguably the single biggest reason for the popularity of the trope) is Stephen King. It can be seen in his earlier works such as The Shining or Salem’s Lot, and continues to show up in several of his works throughout his bibliography (The Dark Half, Secret Windows, Lisey’s Story). Dean Koontz, another huge name in the horror genre, has also written stories (such as Lightning or Mr. Murder) which feature a writer in the main character role. Nor is this trend limited to horror; Kurt Vonnegut and Charles de Lint are two of several authors in the sff genre who have placed writer characters in starring story roles. I’m not as well-read in the more literary fiction end of the spectrum, but I’d be very surprised if a similar pattern wasn’t present there as well. (Feel free to mention and discuss other examples in the comments.)

I’m still a bit unclear on exactly why Steve gets so irritated by writer-protagonists — hopefully he’ll clarify his position a bit more in comments, hehe. I remember from our last chat that he feels like having a writer as a protagonist in a story you’re writing creates too many situations where you are tempted to be clever, or clever-seeming, possibly even superseding the priorities of the story. I think he said it’s the difference between an author being clever in how they tell a story, versus using a technique that says “hey, look at me being clever over here”.

I suppose I can see that point; certainly some of the more forgettable stories I’ve read with writers in the lead role felt rather like what Steve describes. On another hand, some of the more interesting examples of the trope do play around with some neat ideas. Koontz’s Odd Thomas books reference the unreliability of a writer narrator throughout the stories, making references to editing and eliding events even as he tells the tale. de Lint uses writer characters as he does other artists and musicians in his Newford stories, where the act of creative generation unlocks hidden magics in the surrounding world. Vonnegut’s writers don’t seem to be able to self-referentially change the story due to their own writing; I get the impression, reading some of his quasi-auto-biographical fiction works, that his characters are often writers because Vonnegut himself is one. However, Vonnegut didn’t always do the writer-character-as-avatar for himself. I’ve read several references to his famous Kilgore Trout being a poke at Theodore Sturgeon, which amuses me to consider.

Looking at King’s extensive bibliography and publishing history, I’m struck with another thought that’s occurred to me before. So many of his writer characters struggle with aspects of their craft–even to several of them blocked on writing, alcoholics, or otherwise engaged in unstable and self-damaging behaviors–which fascinates me when compared with the fact that, since 1974, there has only been one year that King didn’t publish one or more finished pieces. It doesn’t seem from his observable public output that King, the person, suffers from much in the way of writer’s blocks or dangerous instability preventing his writing. Did much of the potential for that self-destruction get sublimated and exorcised into the more troubled writer-protagonists of his stories?

What do you think about this trope of the writer-as-protagonist? Do you like it? Does it irritate you when you encounter it? Are there similar metaphoric parallels in other artistic disciplines, for you other creative types out there? Let’s discuss!

Her suite of rooms seemed more confining, lately. She had been living here for some time now–longer than she was used to staying in one place. This morning she meandered, stopping at whim to examine things more closely before wandering on. She wasn’t much inclined to watch visual media regularly, and today felt just dreary enough that mindless computer entertainment didn’t appeal either. Her touch lingered briefly on the dressform next to the drafting table, still draped haphazardly with several samples in a riotous conflict of colors. She didn’t have an inspiration for this piece yet, and wasn’t in the mood to look for one today.

Outside her suite was its own set of problems to deal with, and again not something she felt like handling this morning. The others called her area The Box, and for all she knew it even looked like one from the outside. Inside, however, everything was apportioned as she liked it, and even on aimless days like today she took pleasure in each room’s decor. She finished up her walk in the sitting room, and decided that reading a book would do for a temporary distraction.

Her three full-sized bookshelves were made of identical black particleboard and arranged along one wall in a uniform line. The books themselves were a chaotic mix of hardbacks and paperbacks, most of them well-used. They were arranged alphabetically by author and then by title from left to right; the first unit held A-J, the middle K-R, and the last the rest of the alphabet. She tended to pick each week’s reading selection by a blind grab, but balanced her randomness with the ordered formula by which she chose the shelf to pull from. This week it was the middle bookshelf’s turn, top shelf. She closed her eyes and shook her hand back and forth a bit before moving it around in loops and spirals through the air in front of the shelf. When it felt right she pushed forward, her fingers ready for the first brush against a bound spine…ahh, a hardback this time.

She opened her eyes and examined her selection. One of the classics in its genre, but not one she’d previously made time to read. The author photo on the back could not possibly escape notice. She spent an interested minute analyzing her reaction to the pose; it looked like an attempt at “intense, thoughtful and brooding” had become instead “nervous, weird, and slightly dorky”. She suspected the closed-off body posture contributed heavily to eroding the overt intent of the picture. When she tired of this game, she read through the dustjacket teaser for the story inside and now her interest was fully engaged. A thrilling premise, not to mention one that started all sorts of fascinating ideas and possibilities cascading through her mind.

She curled up onto the firm but plush couch, which was just the right length for her to stretch out in comfort, with pillows propping her upright and a blanket tucked around her legs and toes. Bringing the pages close to her face she inhaled deeply, savoring the papery, musty used-book odor. She ran her fingers lightly across the covers; as she reached the closed pages, she gripped their edges and riffled them quickly front-to-back as one might a flip-book, enjoying the buzz-whir sound and the tickling feel against her hand. This pre-book ritual, she found, put her into a pleasant frame of mind and ready for hours of reading enjoyment. Sensory demands thus satisfied, she turned back to the first page and began to read.

I realized I forgot to post my final post in this series, so here it is a bit belatedly. For my part, I’m planning to return to a more weekly rate on the about-writing posts instead of maintaining a daily rate, but I hope you enjoyed the extra. Other effects for me were that I really liked the challenge to ramp-up my own writing that I took on mid-month, even with the increasingly comedic series of interferences in that plan. I still got several thousand words written and a MUCH better idea of what I’m doing with my novel. (Still re-writing chapter three, and deleting much of what I copy-and-pasted in, but at least theoretically it’ll make for a better story. I’ll report here when I’ve gotten through all that mess.)

Even on the days I’m not writing about it I’m back to talking about it daily, and I have housemates that are genuinely interested and wanting to help my process so that makes things MUCH easier. In addition, I have an awesome inner circle of friend-fans waiting for the next piece to be finished and encouraging me along in their excitement, which also helps a bunch. It’s refreshing to be around people who are stimulated by rather than threatened by other folks’ creative pursuits. I nearly always find myself inspired to new ideas when I see the beautiful creations of the lovely people I’m blessed to know. If you’ve been struggling with staying the course on your own creative work, consider some of these options if you don’t have them already. Steven Brust thinks that it would benefit every writer to have someone who gazes adoringly at them with the attitude of “wow, you are the Best Writer Ever.” He got a dog, which works quite well for this. If you don’t already have a dog or room for one, try finding a parent, lover, or awesome friend with a similar attitude. Sure, critiques have their place and usefulness, but sometimes the “wow someone thinks I’m totally awesome!” feeling helps more than any constructive criticism.

Another angle to try is to break the writer trope of the solitary artist locked with their computer into a room to scribe Art for the Ages. If you’re repeatedly getting stuck in the word mire on your own routines, take a different path. If you have portable word processing capabilities, try out a variety of different venues for writing in public. The most common places are bookstores and coffee shops; a quiet restaurant that isn’t obsessed with table turn-over might also work. In nicer weather, a park or picnic could be a refreshing and inspiring change of scene. Heck, even try different rooms in your own home, or setting up (in nice weather) in your backyard.

A compatible community of creative folk is another valuable resource. Whether you have a more formal writer’s group, or a more informal collective of artists wanting to support each other in their endeavors, or a full-on collaborative project, the exciting things that can happen when multiple creative minds meet together in the same “space” is exhilarating. Quite often it’s the equivalent for your creative flow of slamming down a four-pack of energy drinks. If you’re isolated enough that all you can do is an online equivalent of this, then try that. I was active for several years in an online writer’s group that is sadly not very active any more, but was quite helpful and enjoyable for a long while. Some of us met in person a couple of times, but it was mostly online and worked really well that way. I would expect that recent interfaces such as Google Wave and the like are quite useful places to try and set up such an endeavor. However, for any of you that can, I’d recommend trying some in-person creative jam sessions as well. I’m not so 20th century as to rant against online community or its usefulness, but I’m realistic enough to note that the benefits one derives online are certainly different in many aspects from those you get with in-person creative brainstorming. I think they’re complimentary, and I’ve noticed it feels better when I perceive myself to have both in-person and online creative support. So ask around, figure out which of your friends you enjoy being around who also want creative support, and form your own “artist’s collective” where you meet up regularly and each work on your own creative projects; or perhaps more focused brainstorming sessions, where you each get some group time to help bash through a stuck spot on whatever project you’re creating at the moment. There are multiple options that work based on the individuals involved; however you decide to, remind yourself that it is work worth doing.

I’m interested to hear about the experiences of those of you who tried NaNoWriMo (or a modified variant of it) this year. It’s so easy, especially if you didn’t make your goal, to just drop the subject and slink back into the not-creating land from whence you arose. So I challenge each of you who tried it, to comment either here or in your own journal, and give a report! Document what worked as well as what didn’t. Note at least three things you learned about yourself and your writing. Look the really hard thing you attempted head-on; not as “I failed”, but “I tried something really big and am not ready yet. How can I get more ready for next time?”

Well, things looked very promising for my cut-n-pasted sections. However, partway into it, I began to suspect it needed more cool than I currently had in. I tossed Chapters 3-5 up for a writer chat with Steve and Nathan and houseguest Brad to try to figure out structurally more of what I needed to be doing with the chapters. As Nathan put it, “that’s not a novel, it’s a seven-layer cake!”

By the end of the evening I had a much clearer idea of the new and improved cool stuff in the next few chapters, with many more of the layers balanced together. Sadly, not very many new words today, though the groundwork for more words has definitely been laid. I won’t likely be losing much if any on the wordcount, since most of what I have needs to be re-written and added to, not trimmed or cut entirely.

New novel words: 213 (plus more notes)

Will go back to the expanded word accounting tomorrow…or perhaps the next day. We have a guest and will be attending the Texas Renaissance Festival tomorrow, but I’m going to try to get some writing done on the trip.

Sometimes when you’re limping along with less forward writing progress than you might wish, it helps to try shaking up the normal routine a bit. Whether that means giving yourself more get-up-and-move-around breaks, or trying your writing session at a different time of day, or picking a different POV (point of view) or scene change while writing your words: if what you’re doing right now isn’t getting you the wordcount you want, change what you’re doing. Otherwise, remember that old quote about insanity defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?

There are times when you can make it even more fun for yourself, in writing. Maybe you discover one of your brain-hacks that makes a certain part of the writing process easier, or you figure out a deliciously tricky situation in which to enmesh your characters. Or perhaps, you know a holiday is coming up to demand extra time (and likely less writing) from you, and THIS time you gave yourself two extra writing sessions the week before the holiday to allow yourself space to do the holiday chores and enjoy the holiday socializing. (If not, then try it for next holiday, there are several impending!)

Since I’m working on a revised (heavily, heavily, revised–like a new story even!) draft of my novel, I have several “completed” chapters from the first draft. Most of these aren’t being used in the order they’re in, or sometimes from the viewpoint they originally were from, and several pieces aren’t making the draft transfer. In addition, there’s usually new text that has to be created to give better transitions between the current story thread and the new pasted-in bits. For the pieces from the first round that I do use, most of them require at least some (or much more) editing to bring them up to second draft quality. This isn’t exactly the same process as fully engaging Editor Mind, it’s one of those weird hybrid writer-editor processes. I’ve done this enough times by now that I’m not worried about slipping fully into Editor Mind and tripping up my current draft, but if you decide to try it and you don’t have that practice, then maintain awareness of the risks involved and don’t let your inner critic run out of control.

Hmmm, you might say, I’m waiting for the part that sounds like fun. For me, the fun part comes in when my page count jumps from 20 pages to 41 in one day’s work. Whee! I suppose purists might insist that while it counts as writing work, it shouldn’t count as “new wordcount”. From my perspective, I’ve already done the work writing those words at SOME time so it doesn’t seem wrong to count them at THIS time; when I look at my current page, 41 is significantly different in feel from 20; and at this stage in the process, the psychology matters. If I feel like I made a big leap forward, it energizes me to want to write more, not to take breaks because I already did work. When I feel an urge to take off from writing is when I’m already struggling with it due to word-flow stoppage or external circumstances, not when the writing is flowing well. That’s a good feeling, and I want more of it!

Give some thought to how you might “cheat” on your normal routines to get more writing done, rather than to excuse a lack of writing. What do you think might give you the little thrill of “I got away with something clever” over your hindbrain that will keep your words flowing?

Today’s wordcount for yesterday only includes the copied-and-pasted text. Next post will have the transitions and new text wordcount. At this point, Chapter 3 is about 85% done. I’m already hard at thinky-work on exactly how I want to be doing chapter 4 structurally (which might mean Ch 4 will be largely new text); I have an idea or two I’m hoping to brainstorm verbally in the next day or two, so that I can have a rough outline to keep my writing momentum rolling into the next chapter.

Previous novel wordcount: 24,364
Today’s words: 4423
This blog post: 719
Total daily words: 5142

New novel wordcount: 28,787
Favorite bit: too many to itemize fully; 21 “new pages” is probably favorite bit overall. Story awesomeness pasted in includes haptic-suit earth-space sex, wenchly computer geeks, sarcastically stoic bodyguards, weirdly likeable amoral twins, pesky spying precocious kids…
Funniest flub: Argh, the first draft text quality, it burns. Quick, to the edit-mobile!

It’s amazing how many different distractions there are, when we’re setting challenging goals for ourselves. It’s hard to know which distractions are worth listening to and which are better ignored on the path to becoming a dedicated writer. What is a distraction that will sap your creative energy, and what is a diversion that your hindbrain needs to stimulate further creative processing? Figuring out the nuances of this question is part of the process that most beginning writers have to go through.

Major emergencies, immediate demands (of urgent nature) of children or spouses, biological functions, and other similar sorts of things are all fairly “legitimate” distractions, in that you’re likely going to best benefit by attending to the distraction as efficiently as possible and then just getting back to the writing. (However, longer-term it’s worth putting the work in with significant others and children to be aware of proper boundaries toward interrupting writing, and weighing what is worth interrupting for and what can wait until the end of the writing session. You definitely don’t want a situation to arise where loved ones start competing with your writing for your attention in unhealthy ways. Balance!)

Low energy or high pain days or something similar is a bit more of a gray area. Often writing is a low-impact enough activity physically that you can write a little even when under the weather. On the other hand, it’s easy to discount how much of a physical load mental activities really are. Your brain is burning serious calories during writing, and if you can’t sufficiently replace those spent calories through food, rest, and healthy-body functioning, then it might be better to take a day off. In the gray areas, give yourself permission to consider it case-by-case, and allow specifics of circumstance to affect your choice as much as you can with other pressures (such as deadlines).

That leaves the most likely distractions, the daily happenings around your home or on the internet. These are some of the most temptingly distracting areas, so pay attention to your habits, routines, and reactions. Instead of denying yourself entirely, consider scheduling some larking-about time along with your writing time. Believe it or not, sometimes that noodling around on a silly game for a few minutes is as much of a mental or creative recharge as a cat-nap or snack would be. However, make sure you know what you need to do to control yourself so that you don’t get so caught up in the distractions that you forget to go back to the writing. If you have to, set yourself a timer so that you know when to switch from writing time to gaming time to chore time and so on.

What are your worst distractions so far? How have you been coping with them, or have you?

Previous novel wordcount: 23,047
Today’s words: 1,317
This blog post: 481
Total daily words: 1,798

New novel wordcount: 24,364
Favorite bit: Namah schools Elliot, yeah!
Funniest flub: “adulterating his tea” probably not the best verb given context

The fits and starts as a new endeavour gets underway are at times almost more discouraging to one’s motivation than no progress would be, whether you’re talking about learning a new skill, working through personal growth issues, or yes, writing a novel.  I don’t know about you, but my streak of perfectionism, when it arises, often manifests as a frustration at not doing something right the first time it’s tried.  Now in my case, it’s not as bad a reaction as if I’d received crappy programming on the issue when I was a kid.  I was always my own motivator and cattle prod much more than my parents ever were, especially in academic situations.  I think my personal irritation on the issue comes from being used to doing most things I try fairly well, often on the first tries. The thing my parents did so very right for me was making sure even with that advantage, that I encountered things that were too hard for my learning levels throughout my childhood, so that I had to learn how to screw up, fall down, get up, try again, repeat until “successful” (at whatever you were trying).  An invaluable lesson in the adult world, and one I sadly see too many parents avoiding, possibly even out of a poorly-thought-out desire to help their kids.

Whether your folks did right by you back then or not, as an adult it’s now your job to take up the slack and fill in their gaps in your own development.  (Sure, it’s unfair; but it’s worse to pass the problem on to the next generation or perpetuate it in your own.)  So it’s time to find at least some working answers (which can always be changed to accommodate new information later) to the question, “When you fall off the horse when learning to ride, how do you make yourself get back on?”

The Nike adage is useful for a lot of people here, almost a short-circuit on the higher-order thought meandering.  It doesn’t matter how, you just do.  Getting back on is just what you do.  Truthfully, that attitude works for me in some situations and moods, and not so well at other times.  Sometimes I gotta cerebralize it to get through.

In those instances, I’m not at all fond of stick-level motivation, usually, though I recognize it works for some.  I don’t personally see it as anything other than an energy expense and a drain to punish myself for not making any words the last two days, or not making all of them this past day.  The castigating attitude isn’t going to engender a response of “my gods how could I have been so wrong!  I will rush out right now and write 5000 words in atonement!”  At least for me, it’s much more likely to get a response of “You’re not going to see or acknowledge the good work I DID do? Ha, see if you get any more work out of ME, then.”  And no, I’m not the sort of parent that asks the kid bringing home a 95 “what happened” to the other 5 points, either.  We’re much more likely to have an impromptu parade and dance through the living room over the 95 points part!

So this past day, after two days of break, I knew it was very important to get at least some writing done.  While the first two days of break had legitimate explanations for no words (computer troubles, family upset, more computer difficulties), the only excuse this day had to offer was inertia.

“But I’ve already missed two days and only written one!”

“Yeah, and if you write today you’ll have doubled your success rate for writing words, 25% to 50%.  Try again!”

“I hurt and have stress.”

“You hurt and have stress every day.  Doesn’t count as a legitimate no-writing pass.”

“This scene isn’t going as well on the page as it did when I talked it out in the car.  The characters continue to be unclever.”

“And once you’ve finished it, you can fix it.”

…

“I’m restless.”

“Fine we’ll take the computer and write while we do laundry, thus getting TWO useful things done.”

“Oh, all right.”

It worked decently well–6 pages’ worth.  Being elsewhere has its own distractions, but knowing why I’m there helps me refocus as needed when the distractions happen.  I usually like to write at home, but I like to try writing around others in social situations frequently enough so I don’t lose the knack of being able to.

Previous novel wordcount:  21,169
Today’s words: 1277
This blog post: 834
Total daily words: 2111

New novel wordcount:  22,446
Favorite tidbit:  Thinking about the differences in the attributes we assess when meeting someone in person when we’ve already seen a picture or video of them.

Funnest flub: My old friend word repetition repeats itself here again. “Instantly” three times in a paragraph, twice in one sentence.  Some things are quick and necessary to fix when noticed even in an initial draft, and self-amusing when found in revisions. Plus, that’s one of those words to be careful about using; how often do things really happen “instantly”?